Online Dating

For those of you who haven't experienced the joys (ha!) of online dating, I'd like give you an all-too-typical example of what it entails.

A friend of mine received the following e-mail from someone who found her profile on an online dating website. Mind you, this is the guy's first attempt at contacting her. (Note: The e-mail is reproduced here with its original grammar, spelling, punctuation and capitalization. The sender's full name and e-mail address have been omitted to protect the stupid.)

Subject: Hello Pretty.

How are you doing today pretty angel! and i hope everything is Good over there with u babe? well i just got accross your profiles on here today and it really caught my interest cos the way you're looking so attractive fascinated me so much and it seems you're a princess......an Angel that was sent down from heaven.......That really touched in my heart and soul that i can't go over without contacting you pretty.Remember that distance dosent really matter it depend on your mind and the feelings we nurse in our heart for each other.........and would really like to get to know you more better, as it would be very nice to meet such beautiful woman like you babe. Meanwhile i would like to know more about you,your family and lot's more..but before i go. let me express myself to you in a little way.Well am Gary by name 46year's old from Warren-Michigan USA.Well ampresently on a personal business trip am into buying and supplying of crude oil to some companies here in London and some part of Europe where am doing everything possible to establish my business to greater standard....Well i love swimming....playing football.....basket ball.....american soccer and tennis....travelling....fishing....meeting new friends and so on...i'm a passionate one, sensitive....caring man....romantic....respectful..... easy going.....humble.....down to earth and with great sense of humour.... who is not afraid to show his feelings to anything he really adore and cherish so much. I'm a very tactile person and would like my date to be the same type of person.So i would like to stop here now and if you really found me intrested or wanna contact me..youkinda send me an email directly to my personal email address.......[deleted].......just incase here in my yahoo I.D for instant chat if u really care to chat and meet someone u can keep a very good and close contact with am always online,,9;33pm to do some online preaching..world wide i hope to meet great ppl with good heart i can keep a very good and close conversation with and see what happen...if we really care and love each other.........hope to chat then if u really care to meet someone u can spend the rest of ur life time together with ....cya.With heart full of love from gary........Gary.

Hmm. I can't imagine why Gary is still single.

Blogiversary

Today marks the one-year anniversary of this site. Here are some stats about the site’s first year in existence:

Number of posts: 195
Total number of visits: 3,999
Average length of visit: 2:38

I’ve enjoyed looking back over the year’s posts, particularly my journal, pictures, and stories from Thailand, and the good times I’ve had with friends and family.

Here’s to another year of blogging. Clink!

Fabuolous!

One of my gay co-workers sent me an e-mail today in which he misspelled the word "fabulous." Does any one else find this incredibly ironic? I mean, "fabulous" may just be the gayest word in the English language, with "fierce"coming in a close second. Don’t think there are gay words? Well, this hysterical scene from Will & Grace proves it:

Karen: [helping Jack practice for the Gay Spelling Bee] The word is...doily.
Jack: Doily?
Karen: Doily.
Jack: Doily. Could you use it in a sentence?
Karen: The man walked *doily* down the street.
Jack: Oh, doily! D-O-I-L-Y!
Karen: Right!

Being A Girl

WARNING: Boys should read the following post with caution, as they may be confused or grossed out by it. Girls should exercise caution as well, but only because they may hurt themselves by laughing too hard.

Friday afternoon, I was having an early dinner with KB, when we somehow found ourselves discussing the first time we got our periods. My story wasn’t too exciting. (I woke up with it one rainy day and got furious at my mother when I found out she had told my dad and my aunt that, "Mandy was finally a woman.") KB’s story, on the other hand, had me laughing so hard that I was crying over my dinner.

KB explained how, after she had woken up with her period and tried to conceal the evidence from her mom, her parents took her to Hills and stood there in the feminine hygiene aisle for what seemed like hours, contemplating every available product. As any young girl would react at the thought of passersby figuring out what they were doing there, KB was completely mortified, snapping, “Don’t talk to me,” at her father, who innocently tried to reassure her.

When she was sixteen, she decided she was old enough to graduate from pads to tampons. Like many young women who venture into this new territory, she figured she’d just follow the instructions. How difficult could it be? Well, for those of you who’ve never read the instructions included in the box of tampons, or for those brave men who’ve continued reading to this point, here’s what you’ve been missing.

Understandably, KB couldn’t figure out what this picture was supposed to represent. Her body didn’t look like the cartoon cross-section of the woman shown in the instructions. So now what?

Then, she remembered back to that day in fifth grade when the boys went into one room and the girls went into another for The Talk. KB described the teacher who led the girls’ talk as “the most mannish woman EVER.” KB vividly remembered this she-man talking about tampons, throwing her foot onto a chair, and standing there, miming how a tampon should be inserted.

So, that’s what KB did. She threw her foot onto the toilet seat and went about trying to imitate what she remembered from the she-man’s demonstration. Sadly, she was not successful.

Okay, enough was enough! At her wit's end and more determined than ever, KB decided it was time to pull out all the stops. Once again, up went the foot, and this time, out came the hand mirror. And, finally, success!

Thanks for sharing, KB!

Fun With A Ruler

Yesterday, I accepted a big, fat promotion at work. (Thank you, thank you.) Along with the promotion comes a move from my current cube to an office. That's right, an actual office with a door and a window. The only downside is that I have to share the space. I really like my personal space and don't generally share well, so I'm a bit concerned about the whole thing. Not to mention that fact that I hardly know the guy (Ross) I'll be sharing the office with, but it's still a step up from cube life.

I met with Ross, our Business Manager, and our Budget Specialist today to discuss the space, choose furniture, etc. We decided how the office should be set up, so I took measurements and scurried off to make a floor plan. And here's the final result:

Gosh, OCD is fun!

From The Mind Of JD

This morning, I received the following e-mail from JD, who recently joined Blockbuster Online and added Xanadu to his queue:

Subject: I have seen the face of God...

...and he is called Xanadu! OMG! I was COMPLETELY hysterical last night to find Olivia Newton-John waiting for me in my mailbox. Picture it, Fort Collins, last night...

...leg warmers...
...roller disco....
...Electric Light Orchestra...
...a Muse...
...a starving artist...on roller skates...desperate to bring his dream of a roller disco to life...with the help of a crazy old coot (Gene Kelly)...and a daughter of Zeus (Olivia)...(gee, I hope that I'm not ruining the plot for you)...

It is genius beyond genius! Actually in truth, it was more like an hour and a half of eye torture followed by about ten minutes of truly spectacular! The finale was unbelievable! Must see!

I will never stop laughing.

Weekend Recap

Friday, KB and I drove down to Ikea in College Park, so I could buy a computer desk. I found one online at L.L.Bean a few weeks ago, but when I was finally ready to purchase, it was gone. So I started looking elsewhere and found one I liked at Ikea. After battling the Friday rush hour traffic for an hour, I quickly found the desk I wanted. I noted the aisle and bin numbers, went to the self-help area, but found only an empty bin. According to the guy at information, the desk was out of stock and I'd have to wait two weeks for the next shipment. I was a bit irritated at the time, but it has since worked out for the best: The desk I originally wanted from L.L.Bean is available again, so I ordered it yesterday and it should be at my door in about two weeks.

Saturday, I spent the afternoon at the Morvan Park Steeplechase with Brent and his folks. It was a perfectly beautiful day, with crisp October air, good company, delicious food, and beautiful horses. We were all thoroughly enjoying the festivities when, during the first flat race, one of the horses stumbled a mere 100 feet from where we stood, sending both horse and jockey tumbling head over feet. Amazingly, the jockey appeared to be unharmed, but the horse was not so fortunate. He laid there, head not moving, but body writhing around in what must have been excruciating pain, legs flailing, as if he were still in the race. I kept telling myself that he was just stunned and surely he would be back on his feet any minute. It never happened. I reluctantly came to the morbid conclusion that the horse had broken his neck or back. The horse ambulance appeared and tarps where brought out to shield the audience’s eyes from the gruesome scene. After what seemed like an eternity of everyone watching for some sign of hope, thick ropes were brought out of the ambulance and the horse was dragged into the back of the trailer. I could not believe what I had just witnessed. That beautiful creature had been destroyed right there on the track. It was absolutely awful. The rest of the day, the next day, and even now, I find that horrific scene flashing before my eyes. The day is burned in my memory, and not in the way I would have liked it to be.

Sunday was restful, as I spent the day at home doing chores, reading, watching the Steelers game (a win, finally!), and spending some quality time outside with Ernie.

Tonight, I’m going to take advantage of this perfect weather by taking Ernie for a long walk. Then, I’ll make some Cranberry Apple Bread, and while that’s baking, I’ll go through the mile-high stack of mail on my dining room table. Not a bad way to spend the evening.

Nickel Mines Tragedy

Please read this touching post on the Amish schoolhouse shootings in Lancaster County, PA.

The Results

It's over. In ten days, I've lost 7 pounds and 6½ inches, and gained a lot of useful knowledge:

• I've seen how food truly serves as fuel for the body and mind.
• I now recognize the difference between being hungry enough to need food, and wanting to eat out of boredom, habit or emotion.
• "Comfort foods" don't have to be off limits, but they shouldn't be staples of my diet; I can survive without them, be just as comforted by other things, and I'll appreciate them more by eating them less.
• Exercise is key, not for only getting in shape, but also for sleeping better and feeling good.
• Being healthy is a lifelong endeavor.

So what happens now? Now, I continue to eat healthily, keep exercise as part of my daily routine, and know I'll live a longer, healthier, happier life for it.